EIM: Awareness

My ghosts come out when I am laying face down.  I don’t know why. But they come, and I have become a better tender of them over the years.  

Today, I was getting a massage and my body was fidgety and very uncomfortable.  I was lamenting about how many minutes of my life I have spent in discomfort, anxiety, pain, emotions.  So so much and so so many.  I started to feel a tantrum coming on--one that is refusing to do this anymore.  As I sorted through the discomfort and tried to take that meta position, you know the one from the eagle’s eye view... I see me.  

I don’t see myself like I do in the mirror: she doesn’t look 51, she looks 5, she looks 12, she looks 25 and 30. And the “she”s are all lined up on a couch.  I am looking at them, I am asking and wondering. They have arrived to help me become more aware of something.  I learned long ago that the real internal gurus are not verbal.  They don’t tell me the secret sauce; they invite me to zero in, intensely draw it to me, intentionally listen for the deeper kind of communication.  

They are all sitting there, they are all modeling the softest behaviors and looking intently in their best dressed, and I know something here is very important.  They show me old hands, crooked and stacked on each other.  This is another she.  This is an older version, and they are helping me to understand. I have no clue, and I don’t understand, and I am aware.  

I will spend the next many moments thinking about this; it will take me to deeply pressured places in the brain. It’s a speck, and now I am aware. It’s not born; it hasn’t bloomed, but I am aware of the molecule percolating.   There was something about future “me”s, and births, and already present, and it’s a shattered pattern ready to assemble but will take time and work and expansion to create.  

I used to feel like this in Algebra and Calculus.  I would sit there for hours and sometimes days with a concept and contract my brain. It would hurt, and I would want to give up. But I wouldn’t, and eventually the dam would break, and the river would flow, and I would know. I would know exactly. I would know precisely, and it would become part of me.  

I earned it. I will earn this, too, but it has to start in my places of awareness. I have to be on my belly, when dark engulfs and quiet lurks. It’s a feeling that I interpret as ‘pay attention’ and I do. I trust myself. I trust the gurus, all the gurus in me.