Three Trips: Tripping again
Hi! Remember me…and my three trips? I’m still on trip one as I contemplate and prepare for Zambia. To say my ‘anticipatory feelings’ are getting the best of me, is an understatement. They are ruling my life. Like the Disney movie, Inside Out, I imagine them lined up fighting for control and fear is winning…followed closely by anxiety.
Emotional states do not simply arise in response to events that have happened, but can arise when we think about what might happen in the future. These anticipatory affective states are mediated by distinct neural systems different from those involved in emotional responses to events as they occur. Hope and fear are the typical anticipatory feelings that arise in response to possibilities of future positive and negative events, respectively. (Oxford Clinical Psychology, MacLeod 2017)
My bags are packed…well I think they are. They gave us a packing list of things to bring and donate. I have met with the “July B Team” a couple times on Zoom to ask questions and see faces. I have purchased a travel adapter, money belt, TSA locks, passport holder, mosquito repellant, and a lot of travel-size toiletries. I have copies of my travel itineraries, passport, credit cards, emergency contact info, and visa application. I have marked my clothing with my initials so someone else can do my laundry and my unmentionables will be returned to me safely. I have my meds refilled, cash to exchange, and snacks. Of course, snacks.
But, I still don’t feel ready. Everyone says it will change my life and I will be a better person for having traveled so far (32 hours and 9,486 miles to be exact), showered with cold water, lived on 2 sets of clothing, and opened my heart to people, mostly children, in Zambia. I believe they are right but I’d love to know how that will happen - what time we will be getting up? where will I be sleeping? what will the food will be like? are there enough bathrooms and potty stops? and how will I connect with my team members? Number one on my mind, how will I go 10 days without technology? without contacting my friends and family? without hearing how my kids’ days went? and without texting Eric when I feel sad or scared? So many questions and a lot of anxiety
I remember feeling anticipatory feelings of grief, much like this, when my Dad was in his final days. I was sad for years and I kind of wanted to be done with ‘grief’ since we had been on his cancer rollercoaster for a very long time. I wanted to know what to expect with death? how will I know when it’s time? who will be there? who won’t be there? will I be able to be strong? will Dad know we are there? So many questions and a lot of grief.
The reality of death was nothing I had anticipated in Trip #1 of losing a parent. In the moment of Trip #2, none of my fears and questions mattered - only being. Being present. Being loving. Being by Dad’s bedside. Being with my family. In the end, it was the most beautiful moment and experience of my life…and nothing at all like I had anticipated or expected. Truly, I don’t think anyone could have prepared me to watch my Dad leave this world. If I’m honest, that was the best part…not knowing and being in the moment. Trip #2 is to be present.
So, here I sit again. My bags are packed and I am leaving in about 48 hours. I’m as prepared as I can be and also know that I’m ill prepared for what comes next. Trip #2 is almost here. I will let you know how it was when I get back (but then that will be Trip #3 and based solely on feelings and memory). Bon Voyage!
