“just breathe”

I breathe in not oxygen, but stars.
I’d really like to think,
Can I put these in jars?
My fingers, they tingle,
My toes, they are too.
The soles of my feet, 
Holy shit this is new.

Food is delightful,
Actually wait, maybe not.
Food is disgusting, 
Leave it there, just let it rot.
It’s foggy in here,
It’s a bit crowded, in truth.
There’s nobody watching right now, it’s just me,
So let me sit in this booth.

Deep breath in,
A long unsteady breath out.
How long has it been,
That I’ve sat in this doubt?
For a moment it fades,
Usually this is sleep, and sometimes it’s not.

I imagine a light or a sun burst of sorts
My stars, they shoot out, and in my hands they get caught.
Not in a jar like I thought they would be
More like in my thoughts
And stick, now a core memory.

I wrote this as an entry of mine a couple of years ago and actually had to go digging for it in lost journals. In my early twenties I distinctly remember blacking out, and even having multiple days in a row of prominent disassociation; several times from exhaustion, severe dehydration, lack of nourishment, seclusion, deep set anxiety, and I could probably go on and on and on. I suspect this was my bodys’ natural and methodical way of saving my sanity and my life as a whole. The sharp, involuntary inhale that came after these episodes were always what brought me back. My “come to” moments with that breath would bring me to yet another state of panic and the cycle of toxicity would become never-ending and many times debilitating.

Today I consider that breath my literal lifesaver. It was my body’s means to an end, though 100% unhealthy, it kept me alive. Being conscious of my breath and how I use it to settle my nerves, my thoughts, and my tasks through my day-to-day activities, has served me in a way that makes me truly believe I can create my reality by literally “taking a breather.” My personal favorite, which I’m unsure whether it has a name to it or not, is a deep and quick breath in for 2 seconds, hold for 2 seconds, and exhale for another 2 seconds, just once. Usually between tasks or moments of the day. At the same time I take in what I did and got done, I resonate with it, and I move on. Kind of a faster pace than other methods I’ve come across but this works for me. 

If I could go back in time and give 22-year-old me any advice, it would honestly be, “Just breathe.”

Jenn