EIM: Discouragement

Discouragement runs deep.  It feels like the cells pull downward into an abyss of nothing is as it should be.  My analytical sense can walk me away from the door of entry to the abyss, but the feeling is heavy and familiar.  Expectations feed the belly of this beast, entry into what I should have done, what I should have said, what others are doing and how I just don’t quite measure up.  

My belly feels sick, almost a fullness of consumption, weighing me down.  This feeling teeters on the precipice of shame just a hair short of full self-abandonment.  My face feels heavy and tears are near the surface ready to erupt without permission because even those aren’t worthy of todays’ festivities.  

Pushing against the headwinds of change creates a lack of momentum, seeds aren’t growing, people aren’t getting, and I have nothing else to give.  I could create a million anecdotes, but what I have learned is that the emotion needs the voice before shifts can happen healthily.  I will sit in this valley; I will breathe and keep all “do gooders” out for the time it needs to marinate.  It’s an exhaustion that needs time to be still for just some moments.  An acknowledgment that life is infinitely harder than I ever imagined it would be.  A nod to the moments of defeat that come over and over.  

I will sit, breathe, be; until the light decides to come from within. It will come when it's fully ready with desire.